Human
by ghostlyandcoastly
Summary: Album fic- each song is from dodie's album Human; each song tells the story of Josh/Donna through the years I've never done a song fic before but I love these songs with my whole heart and listening to them just made me think about Josh and Donna
1. Not What I Meant

Timeline: Pre season 1, on the campaign trail

_Let's find out just how far I'll go_

_To look like someone you should know_

_Maybe I'd sound a little better_

_If my features were more sweet_

_Your mind's already been made up_

_You saw my number and my number wasn't good enough_

Donna isn't happy in Wisconsin. She knows this but she tries anyways. The man she's with makes her feel like an outsider in her own home, like villain in her own body. She tries to love him. She tries be everything he asks of her. But it's never good enough.

So when she's finally had enough, when she sees him for who he really is- someone undeserving of her- she drives. She drives as far as she can, waiting to find meaning.

And she does. She finds it in the Bartlet campaign.

_I'll write a little better_

_If I'm willing to compete_

_I'll do it if I have to_

_Hoping for an inbetween_

She works hard at the job. It's not just to impress her boss. It's to keep up with everyone else. She feels like she's playing catch up but she knows if she just _works_, she could be good at this. She's determined to be invaluable, indispensable, irreplacable.

It doesn't hurt that her boss becomes her friend. That he makes her feel like she has value. He can be so helpless at times and it sparks something in her. It's good to feel needed.

She's scared because she feels something more tickling the edges of their friendship. But mostly he just makes her feel good so she hopes for the best and settles for the intimacy of a friendship unique to the two of them.

_Not what I meant when I said that I–_

_I wanted to be seen_

Falling for him is easy. Keeping those feelings to herself is hard. He looks at her with such sincerity, with such a fondness that she stumbles over herself to make sure she says the right thing, doesn't make the wrong move.

But she can't help but wonder if he wants her to. She can't help but wonder what it would be like to kiss him. To hold him. To have his arms around her. She can't help but want that.

_How am I meant to stay on track_

_When each hand I shake will pull me back?_

_Oh, I'll work a little harder_

_But walk a little less_

Josh can't help but be distracted by her. He finds her comforting and intriguing at the same time.

He walks around at the fundraiser, rallying support but his eyes are pulled to her each hand he shakes.

He knows he can't act on his feelings, as intangible as they are to him. So he concentrates more, throws himself into work. Starts to avoid spending one on one time with her. He thinks if he just limits their interactions, he can tame his emotions towards her.

It doesn't work.

_And in the end, will I feel proud_

_That I grit my teeth, and followed the damn crowd?_

_Will I have grown a little empire_

_Or made a fucking mess?_

He feels like an idiot. He hurt her feelings. They just won the Nevada primary and when she went to hug him, he slipped out of her hold. He saw the look of hurt. And it eats at him like a dog with a bone inside his guts. Sure, tonight was a victory in some ways. But in what matters to him, it feels like a mess.

_I'll do it if I have to_

_Hoping for an in-between_

_Not what I meant when I said that I–_

_I wanted to be seen_

She feels him pulling away. Felt it physically the other night. She can't decipher what this means because she can still feel his eyes on her as she walks around the room. Maybe she said the wrong thing? Maybe she scared him off? All she wanted was him- whether it was as her best friend or something more, she didn't care at this point. She just wanted him to look at her again.

_I'll do it if I have to (I'll keep it to myself)_

_Hoping for an in-between (Oh, I must have seen that somewhere)_

_Not what I meant when I said that I–_

_I wanted to be seen_

He can't hurt her. It hurts too much to pull away.

So he bargains with himself. He'll tuck his feelings away in a box so he can be with her in the ways he's allowed.

He's careful. But she disarms him. And he can't help that he doesn't want to put up a fight. He just wants to look at her.


	2. Monster

Timeline: In The Shadow Of Two Gunmen, The Midterms, The Portland Trip, Noel

_Tell me again about how it hurts_

_Being awfully loud for an introvert_

He's numb to the pain. The sounds of the hospital are too loud for him. They tell him he was shot but it doesn't feel real. They say it's just the drugs but he just wants to go back to sleep.

_Get out of my room, smile wiped clean_

_Isn't it weird to be so mean?_

Between Donna and his mom, he's never alone during his recovery. He knows that he needs help but he aches for independence, for a time to be by his lonesome.

He's irritable all the time. He knows he should be grateful. But he can't help it. It feels like the dam in his head is starting to crack. Every time he snaps at his mom or Donna or Sam or CJ, it's another leak sprung. He tries to manage it on his own.

I can do it on my own. This is my problem. He rants in his head.

_I'm guessing that I've grown horns_

_I guess I'm human no more_

_I can tell I've rotted in your brain_

_Oh, how easily passion twists_

_You think I'm a crazy bitch_

_I craft my words to fit your head_

_'Cause no one listens to the dead_

He hides in his office, resting his head on the wall, feeling like there's no escape. He doesn't understand how he just said the words that came out of his mouth. He told Donna that if she wanted to have sex, she'd better do it at dinner? God, what was the matter with him? He ranted at her about her terrible taste in men, said her sense of self worth was small and insignificant compared to her desire to be coupled up.

He doesn't understand why says this but he hates himself as the light leaves her face, as she tries to keep smiling even as he twists the knife. She hates me. She has to hate me. I deserve to have her hate me. The words cycle in his head like metal in an angry dryer. The thoughts bang against the walls of his brain, begging for some kind of escape.

When the thoughts quiet down, he feels nothing, When Donna leaves, when he's left alone to sit with himself, when he's so exhausted from beating himself, he no longer even feels alive.

_So maybe I will talk to you_

_The only way I know how to_

_Mhm, I've said my speech_

_Mhm, through sharpened teeth_

_You break the rules and spikes grow from your skin_

_Please let the devil in_

He knows he has to make up for what he said. But sorry doesn't seem to be in his rolodex of words he can use these days. So he compliments the only way he knows how to. Keep the dress? What a weak way to tell a woman she stuns you, that she captivates you, takes your breath away. The thoughts settle in his brain as the cold hard truth as reality distorts around him.

But her smile when he says it. God, doesn't she know she deserves more than what I just gave her?

He knows this but he can't help but need her.

_A meter apart, we blankly stare_

_We shout in our heads, "Are you still in there?"_

_Well, this ends bad then, we knew it would_

_So we won't eat our words, 'cause they don't taste good_

Donna knows something is wrong with him. She can feel in the depths of her soul that something is not right with him. But she can tell he's not ready to talk about it. And maybe she's not prepared for it yet either. So she tries to maintain the facade, talks excitedly about Yo-Yo Ma, keeps up appearances in the hopes that it'll keep him from sinking further.

_I'm guessing that I've grown horns_

_I guess I'm human no more_

_I can tell I've rotted in your brain_

_Oh, how easily passion twists_

_You think I'm a crazy bitch_

_A thousand words are left unsaid_

_'Cause no one listens to the dead_

He talks to Stanley. He's defensive. He knows he's right. There's something deeply wrong with him. But he doesn't believe Stanley can fix him.

When Donna interrupts with water, he avoids her eyes, not wanting to see what he knows is there. Pity. Fear. Or worse, apathy.

_So maybe I will talk to you_

_The only way I know how to_

_Mhm, I've said my speech_

_Mhm, through sharpened teeth_

_You break the rules and spikes grow from your skin_

_Oh, I think it might be worth a try_

_Oh, am I ready to let this die?_

_Mhm, a monster's here_

_Mhm, you plug your ears_

_But hey, you might just listen to it sing_

_Please let the devil in_

She bides her time. Giving Leo space to talk to him. She can barely contain herself. She just wants to help him but knows that Leo can help in ways she can't.

She watches. She waits, wondering why he can't just see how much she cares. She can tell the exact moment Leo tells Josh she knows. It's her cue to walk up.

_We won't eat our words_

_They don't taste so good_

_We won't eat our words_

_They don't taste so good_

He looks at her with a helplessness that hurts her heart. He follows her but she can she him shutting down, she can see him trying and failing to find the words to talk to her. She tries and fails to find the words to tell him she forgives him., completely, totally, and unequivocally.

_Look, we know that I've seen this before_

_High and mighty, at the top of your list_

_Adoring every move, now my rank is sinking_

_But we're both guilty of black or white thinking_

_And through my red eyes, you look pale_

_All of your scars are looking more like scales_

_Two ugly creatures, two sinister preachers_

_Blind to the past, like a couple of monsters_

_Just a couple of monsters_

At the Emergency Room, she watches the doctor with a careful eye. Holds on to his hand tight, worrying constantly that he'll pull away.

She doesn't know what to say to help.

He doesn't know what to say at all.

But she doesn't let go of his left hand and he doesn't pull away.


	3. Human

Timeline: Dead Irish Writers & Stirred & Posse Comitatus

_I wanna pick you up and scoop you out_

_I want the secrets your secrets haven't found_

He's infatuated with Amy. He's enthralled. But it feels temporary- even when he tries to run away from thinking that way. He can't help but want to challenge her assumptions about him.

It doesn't hurt that she looks damn attractive in that black and white dress that hangs in all the right ways. I wonder what Donna's wearing tonight. He stops himself. Amy's supposed to be good for distracting him with all the enthralling and the intriguing. He just keeps circling back to Donna. Speaking of Donna, where is she tonight?

_Paint me in trust_

_I'll be your best friend_

He checks in with her, tries to get her to come out to the party. By the time, she tells him the problem he's a little frustrated with her roundabout way of getting to it. But the way that she does that, the way she pesters him, frustrates him in her unique way is one of the things that makes him so dedicated to her. He's her best friend. So he promises to take care of it.

_Call me the one_

_This night just can't end_

_Oh oh_

Donna feels like a fool. Josh said he'd get into it. He's taking forever. This night just won't end.

_Will you share your soul with me?_

_Unzip your skin and let me have a see_

He has these moments where he just wants to share everything with her. It's why he tells her about Mr. Feig. Why he shuts up when she goes on about Ms. Morello. He wants to know everything there is to her too.

_Paint me in trust_

_I'll be your best friend_

_Call me the one_

_This night just can't end_

_Oh oh_

Donna leaves the Oval Office feeling like she's walking on clouds. Josh did this for her. He did his own research and he took it to the President. Without her knowing, without bothering to tell her about it.

Back in the bullpen, Josh is sitting in her chair, twiddling with a pencil.

"Hey, how'd it g-" He stands and she rushes to hug him. It takes the air out of his lungs and surprises him for a minute. When he recovers, he wraps his arms around her despite the voice in his head raising warning signs.

"Thank you." She whispers.

"You're welcome." He says simply. She pulls away and sits in her chair. He starts to walk back to his office, thinking that was all but still recovering from the intoxicating scent of her shampoo. "So tell me about Mr. Feig."

They stay late in the office, later than they had to- sharing stories about high school and the teachers who inspired them.

_Oh, I'm so human_

_We're just human_

_Lean for me, and I'll fall back_

_You'll fit so nicely, you'll keep me intact_

"You did alright, okay?"

"I bought her boss."

"Yeah, that's how you had to win this one."

It doesn't matter that in a twisted way, she's trying to help him with another woman. What she cares about is how he's twisted himself into knots about it. Donna untangles him, works by his side to prevent the tangles and tries her best to make it easier on him when things do get matted and tousled. She does that for him because it's what feels right.

_Paint me in trust_

_I'll be your best friend_

_Call me the one_

_This night just can't end_

_Oh oh_

He calls Donna after Amy tells him about Simon Donovan. Amy asks where he's going, he lies, says he's going into the office to wait for CJ.

He waits at Donna's apartment. He calls CJ but it goes to voicemail. Donna tells him it's okay, to let her grieve. That they'll be there for her in the morning light.

They don't talk much that night. They stare at the walls and Donna makes tea. Josh pours them a whiskey when the tea doesn't work. They don't talk much that night but the warmth of the other on Donna's small couch keeps them comforted.

_I want to give you your grin_

_So tell me you can't bear a room that I'm not in_

_Paint me in trust_

_I'll be your best friend_

_Call me the one_

_This night just can't end_

_Oh oh_


End file.
